OOM - upstairs with Sinric

[i_am_your_host]

During Emcee's recovery in his room, he became a recluse. He couldn't find the motivation to go downstairs (too tired, too lazy, too sad, too unsure of himself), so he would ask George to see if any of his friends were around. To talk, and perhaps to let the talking lead to other things. Jay, Sinric...even Eric.

At least, he thought, he might be ready to take up his other old habits.

(He wasn't certain if he could feel Eric's presence. It might have just been wishful thinking. Or not.)

As it happens, Sinric is in the bar when George goes on this particular errand. He floats up to the long-haired blond and chirps out the sounds Emm See! at him, and moves backward toward the stairs as a gesture to follow.

Comments

[thewidewideworld]

Sinric holds his hands out to cradle the little drone. "Emcee? Lead on, my little friend. I'll come with you."

He follows George upstairs, knocking softly on the door George leads him to.

[i_am_your_host]

Emcee is curled up in a nest of blankets on his bed, a nearly empty bottle of red wine on the nightstand. He'd been feeling rather low today, which was why he sent George out to look for company.

The knock on the door surprises him. He honestly didn't think George would find anyone.

(He honestly maybe didn't think anyone would want to see him.)

Throwing back the covers, he gets out of bed, dressed in a white undershirt and wrinkled trousers. After checking his appearance in the vanity table mirror (he's pale as usual, a little more gaunt than normal, and lacking any trace of makeup), he goes to open the door.

"Sinric!" he gasps, genuinely glad to see him again. "Please, come in, come in."

George flits in over their heads and hovers out of the way.

"I hope you weren't busy tonight when George found you..."

[thewidewideworld]

"My beloved mirror." Sinric greets him with a smile, a little tired but no less warm. He opens his arms to Emcee, welcoming an embrace.

"No, that at all. Your strange little friend found me at rather a loose end. I wasn't sure you'd welcome company but he was insistent."

[i_am_your_host]

Emcee hugs him warmly and kisses his cheek before closing the door.

"Well, truth be told, I myself wasn't sure if I wanted company," he admits, his own tiredness seeping into his voice. "But I think at this point, I would rather choose my company with great care."

He holds out his hand to take Sinric's, and to lead him to the couch.

"Will you sit with me a while and talk?"

[thewidewideworld]

the hug is returned in kind and just as warmly. "Then I am flattered and honoured to be chosen."

His hand is a little chilled but he tangles his fingers in Emcee's gladly, following as he's lead. "Very gladly. How are things with you?"

[i_am_your_host]

Emcee makes a noise of discontent in reply to the question. He flops down onto the couch and tugs Sinric in to sit by him as he draws his bare feet up.

"I don't know what is wrong with me," he sighs. "I should be happy that I am alive. Shouldn't I? I have thought about this every day since then, every waking moment I question myself. I am grateful, yes, very much so. But I can't seem to bring myself to be happy."

[thewidewideworld]

Sinric slips off his soft slippers and joins Emcee on the couch, content to lean into him, a hand resting on the curve of his knee casually. "If only it were so simple. Or so simply cured that thinking makes it so."

[i_am_your_host]

Emcee shifts a little to turn toward him, and he idly runs his fingers through his blond tresses. He's missed the simple human contact.

"Perhaps it is the thinking that has kept me here," he muses, "with no one to disagree with the doubts that run rampant in my head. It's why I sleep, and drink, and sleep some more. To silence my thoughts."

[thewidewideworld]

Sinric doesn't quite purr but it's a near thing. "Would you rather I told you to stop being foolish?" It's a genuine question. "The last time I tried the outcome was... unpleasant and unkind."

[i_am_your_host]

Emcee snorts a short chuckle at that, still trailing his fingers through his hair. Somehow it chips away at the weight inside him.

"It's something I haven't heard in a while, so the notion is-- actually quite welcome. To whom did you last say it?"

[thewidewideworld]

"Athelstan." He answers a little sadly, stroking Emcee's thigh in lazy strokes. "He mused that his grief was bordering on selfishness. And I rather cruelly agreed it was. It was unkind of me and it caused a rift between us for some time."

He shifts closer to rest his head on Emcee's shoulder. "I don't want that to happen again."

[i_am_your_host]

"Oh," he says softly, quickly sobering.

He's silent for a moment and kisses the top of Sinric's head.

"I'm sorry that happened, darling. But-- it's difficult to know what to say sometimes. Tactlessness may win out over kindness and patience, especially when there is no real answer. And the fact that we don't have an answer leads to this casual cruelty."

He kisses his head again, nearer to his forehead.

"But it was a mistake, and I can't imagine you repeating it."

[thewidewideworld]

Sinric tilts his head up and brushes Emcee's lips with his own. "That's why I asked first. If you need me to tell you to stop being foolish I will. But I don't think you are. Change is... complex, and only we can know what is right or true for us. Most of all when we don't know."

He shifts again to rest his head in Emcee's lap, looking up at him. "I know I feel more at ease in this moment than I have for a while."

[i_am_your_host]

"Well, I already think I'm being foolish, but it's still good to know that you think I'm not," he says with a half-chuckle. "You are right, though...change is complex, whether we have to deal with changes in the world or changes- to our selves."

He looks down at Sinric, smoothing his hair back.

"Do you really, darling?"

[thewidewideworld]

"The hardest changes are the ones that come from within. The ones that change how we see ourselves." He reaches up, rubbing Emcee's shoulder softly.

"I am." He answers with a raw and open honesty. "I'm struggling very much right now with who I am and how that changes who I am to others. But I feel at ease here, with you. Perhaps because you've never needed me to be anything but myself."

[i_am_your_host]

Tears suddenly spring to Emcee's eyes. He's been quick to cry at the littlest things lately, but this is different.

"Yes," he breathes out, nodding as if in recognition, as if truly seeing himself in a mirror and seeing his own struggles reflected.

"Yes, exactly. Exactly. Everything you say is true for me as well."

[thewidewideworld]

Sinric reaches up to touch Emcee's cheek, gently stroking away the welling tears. He sits up, straddling Emcee with his dancer-lean thighs, slowly filling out again as he heals. He runs his hands softly through Emcee's hair, drawing him into a kiss.

[i_am_your_host]

Leftover tears spill down his cheeks as Sinric kisses him. Emcee kisses him back, thirsty for this, having missed this dearly. He runs his hands up his thighs, caressing them with familiarity.

"I thought I was alone in how I feel," he whispers against his lips, slightly salty with tears.

[thewidewideworld]

"As did I, my mirror." Sinric whispers, nuzzling Emcee's cheek. "Even in the arms of those I love most, I have felt alone. Perhaps there most of all." He kisses down Emcee's throat, his breath warm. "But not here, not now."

[i_am_your_host]

"And even those who care the most, though they may wish to, still cannot truly understand."

His eyelashes flutter at the touch of Sinric's lips and breath, and he tips his head to the side, burying his face in Sinric's hair, drying his tears, inhaling deeply.

"But you understand-- we understand."

[thewidewideworld]

"The shattered image reforms, not always the same way it broke." He nips lightly on Emcee's throat, then harder, feeling the desire to mark Emcee, to leave him some tangible reminder that connects him to the refection he sees. "Those scars others may not see but that change how we see ourselves."

He rears back, kissing Emcee passionately.

[i_am_your_host]

His fingertips press into the flesh of Sinric's thighs when he uses his teeth.

"And each time we are beaten down and broken, parts of us die, never to heal. But we keep forging masks to cover the scars we feel inside and out. Masks in the likeness of who we once were..."

Emcee takes Sinric's face in his hands as he returns the kiss just as passionately.

[thewidewideworld]

"Sometimes the scars are too deep and the mask doesn't fit any more." Sinric mutters between kisses, his fingers moving over the hem of Emcee's shirt. "Then we have to face who we are without it. That is where I am. Staring into the glass at a face I don't recognise."

He rears back, looking into Emcee's eyes. "But I know you see me. Just as I see you."

[i_am_your_host]

Emcee meets his eyes.

"You have changed. I have changed."

He shakes his head, his brows knitted.

"I don't want to be this person."

[thewidewideworld]

Sinric stills, reaches up to smooth Emcee's hair. He smiles sadly and kisses Emcee again. Not greedily or passionately but with a love and understanding that reaches to the core.

"Be here. Be with me in this moment. Nothing but that."